Migraine Awareness Month #21: “Shaking in My Boots” / “Light Balancing Dark…”
“What’s your biggest Migraine-related fear? How do you cope with it?”
Sometimes, every once in awhile, I have quite a bit of courage. Many times, I have equally dramatic fits of self-esteem. I am brave, brimming with positivity, filled to capacity with surety. The world is wonderful: everything at my disposal.
But mostly, I am afraid – sickness & mortality invade my front doorstep. Depression, doubt, distress rising in a crescendo up those basement stairs.
The dark ones are always down there. Denying usually keeps them on those cold, dark stones where they belong; they are dormant for a time. But pain always opens that basement door…
They rush out – brought to life by immense fear, pervasive dread, overwhelming worry…
These are my Migraine secrets, my Migraine fears, and my Migraine facts that I have to bear. They aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, and I can never completely shake them. They are mostly brought about by two fears that steal my piece of mind – my peace. They are:
- Fear of running out of triptans. Silly, huh? Being afraid to just run out of a drug? Give me a break! But ask any Migraineur with a limit imposed by their insurance company of a pill costing, roughly, ummmm… about $30.00 each – Yeah, that’s fear. I’m allowed six of these priceless gems per month to treat 8 – 20 Migraines per month. FEAR…
- Intense, fitful worry that my Migraines will get even more out of control than they already are. For more than 10 years I’ve had at least 8 Migraines per month. But as recent as just 4 years ago, I could usually eliminate a Migraine with a triptan, or sometimes by just lying down or even maybe taking an over-the-counter remedy while getting away from whatever was bothering me. These fixes don’t completely work now, and since recently being diagnosed with asthma, I can no longer take anything with nsaids or aspirin. I’m now often stuck with an escalating Migraine that takes an average of 24 – 30 hours to eliminate at least 10 times per month (in addition to the “other ones”). At this rate, I realize that I’m getting worse. The fear that this realization breeds makes me feel like a dying animal caught in a trap, or a soldier held hostage by “the other side” with a realized, mortal wound. Being in pain like this, with stigma always attached at the hip and limited help from doctors, limited pain meds and no where to go, feels like fear only a nightmare can replay. I frequently think of Status Migrainous and wonder how long it will be before it takes me…
“How do you cope with it?”
This is tough. The fear is so palpable, so invasive and so brutally real: coping with the depression, feelings of loss & regret – as well as that fear is a full-time job… Every Migraineur knows this… knows it WELL.
I think this is something that Non-Migraineurs just aren’t familiar with: how much work it takes – every day – to stay ahead of and in-control of a disease that just doesn’t seem to want to give up control. A lot of people now know what the word “trigger” means to the Migraine community. What they don’t realize is that preventing our pain is only part of the story – we have to be constantly vigilant, monitoring the “triggers” that eat away at our piece-of-mind, self esteem and psychological environment. Avoiding Migraine-related depression and fear is as time-consuming and tough as our avoidance of pain triggers – An Everyday Battle…
So, I think that I’m really no different than any other Migraineur: I do things that feed my positivity and psychological outlook. I steer clear (try to…) of those who knowingly or unknowingly steal my piece/peace-of-mind, and I religiously watch my triggers – physical and emotional…
“National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger’s Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com “
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