I had the best discussion the other day. So great, in fact, that I just have to let you and the whole world know all about it. In fact, I think I may just let you guys in on a couple of the conversations that went on during my week.
Here they are:
“You know that you’re going to have to get up early tomorrow; if you have to be at the doctor by 9:30, you’ll have to set your alarm for 7:00 A.M., at least.”
“I know. I also don’t know how I’m going to avoid having a headache; I always end up sick when I get up earlier than normal, and with the pressure of worrying about this lump, I’m even more worried. I can’t stand thinking about all this: the migraines; trying to keep up with things I want to do; wanting to babysit my new grand daughter; and now the asthma is worse. I really need to get a handle on it, but when I started taking the Singulair again, the headaches started full-force. I feel like giving up!”
“You CAN’T give up! You know how it will feel if you don’t even try. I don’t want you to regret anything, and you can’t let yourself worry about what MAY happen; you don’t even know for sure that the asthma will get worse. This may be a phase for it, and it may just be the weather. Just follow up like you said you would on that guy’s blog – the one that talked about all these new cases of asthma being caused by that bacteria; there’s a doc in Ohio that takes care of it and will be able to tell you if that’s what’s it or not. Just get some sleep, and get to the doc in the morning.”
“I know – you’re right; and I don’t have any choice. I don’t want to be like this, but I know worrying won’t make it any better. I will keep myself calm and tackle tomorrow when it gets here. I’m really glad I have you to talk to!!”
Later in the week, I had another discussion:
“I’m so sick of the mundane and same old s**t! I know I could be so much happier and get so much more done if I wasn’t planning my whole life around migraines, asthma and being broke. I would go back to school (not sure about Surg Tech or English, but I would be back there enjoying myself; being a part of learning again; and planning my career and all the things I’d have once I got my degree…), do what I want and not look like a faker-freak like everyone thinks I am.”
“ I know you want to go back to school, and I know how well you’d do, but remember that you KNOW that there really is a better plan (that may not be the one YOU chose). I know it sounds hokey, but we both know it’s true: what we become and do isn’t always up to US – it’s up to a higher power, fate, or whatever you want to call it. Remember when you belonged to CODA? You found out just how much synchronicity there is in the world. Remember all those times when you couldn’t wait to get to the meeting, but found out later that the people you wanted to talk to weren’t there that night? But then… people showed up that you’d never seen before (not even REAL members!), and they talked about EXACTLY what you had on your mind and wanted to talk about!? That was crazy, huh?!!! Well, you know from that time and all those others: just stay calm and know that you CAN be happy; you will do something important that you’ve always wanted to do (maybe you just didn’t totally realize it!!); and it may even be BETTER than going back to school! Don’t forget the Rolling Stones: ‘You can’t always get what you want, but baby, you GET WHAT YOU NEED’!!! Be patient: I’m here to help – you will be fine; just stay on track; pay attention to those things that inspire you (remember what your mom said: what you’re attracted to will just keep showing up – that’s what you’re meant to do and have; be calm, wait for it, then – pay attention!!!); and then do it!”
“I know you’re right, and I do remember all that stuff. I just get so worried and my mind starts thinking of all the possibilities of everything – anything – all the things that COULD go wrong. I get scared, I’ll admit it – then I get depressed – and then I feel sorry for myself. I’m ready to go after all those people who hurt me before (really, their people I LET hurt me – I know you know that, too…), and then I get mad and finally hopeless. My counselor taught me the techie part of it: that the brain forms pathways – permanent ones – that replay over and over, if we allow it. I believe this because I watched a doc on t.v. about it. I also know that it’s a spiritual thing, too: that I attract exactly what I think about. If I think about the negative, I attract it; if I think about all the good, I KNOW it will come. It’s already happened – the good as well as the bad. In the “old days”, all I thought about revolved around desperation, despair, and worrying/bitching/obsessing about all the bad that had happened; could happen; and of how terrible it WOULD be and it WAS! In these past few years, although they’ve been tough (worsening migraines, asthma, money issues – I know, different subject, but still important and scary!), I have mostly kept myself positive, on-track and continued to talk to you; and you have been amazing! I want to thank you for helping me; I couldn’t ask for a better advisor – and friend! God bless you (and yes, thanks!!).
It’s true: I couldn’t have a better counselor, advisor and friend to remind me of what I need to do, HAVE to do everyday to keep myself on the right track. She knows me better than anyone, she always – eventually – knows what to say to make me feel better, and she’s always right here with… ME.